Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
