You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
