just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
