Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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