No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
