we have officially lost it.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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