Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
