you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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