I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
