It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
