It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
