Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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