When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
