Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
