My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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