Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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