My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
