im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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