I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
