Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
