I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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