just tell him i said nine months
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
