i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.