Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.