Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do