it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked