I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
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I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny