look no pants
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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