the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
