I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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