I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
