I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
