someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
