bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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