Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
