She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
