You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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