She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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