I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i think im in europe. pls send help
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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