you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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