somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
