you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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