i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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