You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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