Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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