I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
