You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
