Your face is a jimmy john
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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