It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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