Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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