My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
