don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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