Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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