They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
