Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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