Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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