I got chris browned last night
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
