i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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