I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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