I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We don't watch enough power rangers
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is Oprah even human
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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