So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
