i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
