I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
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Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
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What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dear god my vagina.
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